Falling Off The Wagon

Falling off the wagon.....

It happens. TO ALL OF US!!! In fact, it'll likely happen multiple times. It's no biggie. It is not the end of the world. Just get back on.

Sometimes, however, you don't just fall off the wagon but rather take a flying leap. That's what I did in November of 2013.

I made a conscious decision to jump off the wagon for a while. I needed a "break". It's ok to take a break every once in a while but tread lightly, because it can be REALLY HARD not only to get back on the wagon, but to catch the damn thing. I didn't just stop working out altogether, however. I was still working out 2-4 times per week for a while and maintaining just fine. Which is good.  But then it happened. I lost it completely. I went through an emotional rut in life and just let it all go. I went about 4 weeks doing minimal exercise. Some weeks I'd workout twice, others I didn't even pretend to try. It's ok, though. I was able to pull myself out of it. I got back on. I started running and lifting weights again. It was a good couple weeks, and then I hurt myself. My back, specifically.Well crap. I wanted to push through but I couldn't. I couldn't function at all for a couple days. It was terrible. So I begrudgingly stopped all activity for a week or so and let myself heal. Ok now, back at it. Same routine, another week. Another "injury." SONOFABITCH!! You've GOT to be kidding me!!! This time it's my foot. It's a weird bump thing right on my heel and every time I put my foot down pain zings through my body. Uuuuugh! I don't know what it is, but it HURTS and it's persistent. I tried a million different heel cup thingies and continued working out but I altered my cardio routine to make it lower impact on my foot. It just kept getting worse. So, again, I decided I needed to chill and just let it heal.

Jump forward to today, about 2 months later (August 2014), and I just can't take it any more. I NEED to work out. I feel like crap mentally and physically. I haven't gained any "weight" but I have lost muscle and gained fat. My clothes are tight and my muscles are soft(er).

Unfortunately the damn heal bump is still there, so I need to figure out how to workout without making it worse. I have decided that I'm going to stick with a bike or an elliptical for my cardio for now, and I am going to resume lifting weights.

I found Jamie Eason's program on bodybuilding.com, so I'm giving it a go. Today's only Day 3 and I already feel so much better about life.

I must also admit that I have been totally off track with my eating habits as well. I don't think I could ever COMPLETELY revert back to my old ways; I've learned too much, but I definitely haven't been eating very clean. At all. I have been able to keep my portion sizes under control, for the most part. I won't lie; this is going to be hard. I love food. Bad food. I love pizza and french fries, burritos and bread. And alcohol. This has always proven to be the hardest part. It's ok, though. I got this. =D

Still Going!

The Wedding and Honeymoon are over and it is time to get back to reality. That means getting back on track with new health and fitness goals. So what's my new goal? Well, it's still the damn bikini. I WILL WEAR A BIKINI! And also to get rid of those 5 lbs I found in Hawaii. But what do I do now? Oh! I know! I'll do Insanity! Yeah, I must be insane.... So I begged for it, and my amazing hubby got it for me.

Let me tell you, I was TERRIFIED to do this program. I had seen the infomercials, Googled info and reviews, and now I had gotten the DVD's and had watched some of the workouts to get an idea of what I had gotten myself in to. I was fairly certain I was going to die. Buuuut, since I AM unstoppable, I pressed on, impending heart attack disregarded.

I died.... Kidding, obviously, but I did feel like my heart was going to explode. In fact it still feels that way every time I do Insanity. But I love it. It is so hard core and you can't help but feel beastly just for completing the workout. With Insanity I hit my 60 lb mark!!! (Ok, ALMOST. I hit 59lbs. But remember, it's actually 72lbs if you go from my highest weight ever.) So I was weighing in at 126 lbs.

 

Aaaaand of course I wasn't done yet. And again with the question, "What next?" Well I had been thinking about that this time and I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to do Chalean Extreme and get some muscles. So I asked Santa for the program for Christmas. And he came through! That jolly old guy always comes through for me. ;)

 

I started CLX in January. I started seeing new muscles fairly quickly and started to "lean out" as well. I did not, however, lose any weight on this program. On the contrary. I actually gained a few pounds! Now that is a hard pill to swallow. I knew, logically, that it was muscle gain and that it is a good thing, but that did not make it any easier to see the number on the scale rise. So I stopped using the scale. I got fat calipers and started measuring body fat. I went from 24% body fat to 22% body fat with Chalean Extreme. 

 

I did join a gym at one point but found that it was just not for me. I was spending more time and getting less results. It was quite frustrating and short lived. I ended up going back to my home workouts. I started doing a Turbo Fire/ Chalean Extreme hybrid.

 

 

In March of 2013 I started feeling the need for social interaction in my workouts. I knew I didn't like your run of the mill gym, so I started researching other options. Jiu Jitsu, Kenpo, Muay Thai, etc. These all looked like fun options but none were fitting into my guidelines. I wanted something that was close to home, fairly priced and non competitive. I wanted to do this for fitness, not competition. And then, on one fateful afternoon, I found Title Boxing Club not even a block from home. They were getting ready to open in April. I slept on it for a night and signed up the next day. I am so glad I did because I am in love! Kickboxing and Boxing are so much fun and SUCH a good workout. 

 

Once Kickboxing started in April, I stopped doing Turbo Fire but continued doing Chalean Extreme four days a week. It did not take long before I got some guns. =D

 

 

 

I quickly decided that I needed another goal. Yes, the bikini was still the goal, but I needed something that was going to really make me push and work. So I decided that I want to do one of the obstacle courses coming this fall (2013) at 20% body fat, in short shorts and a sports bra. Ah, that should do the trick. No one wants to go out and run in front of hundreds of people, half naked, with a jiggly jelly belly. So there you have it. My goal is to lose 2% body fat by October.

 

I continued to do Kickboxing/ Boxing on Monday, Wednesday and Friday and Chalean Extreme on Tuesday, Thursday and sometimes Saturday. (I am totally inconsistent on the weekends.) In June I went to a pool party and wore a bikini! It was so liberating! I was comfortable, even! In front of people! It felt great and a life time goal had been achieved. I do not have a bikini picture of this day, but here is a clothed picture. =)

 

 

I do realize that there is not a huge difference between this picture and the one I posted last, but at this point in the journey, I just don't care. I try to remind myself that "Progress is progress, no matter how small." - Unknown (Yes, I get the Dr. Seuss reference. Lol!)

 

In July I decided to post my first ever tummy picture. I was so nervous, but here it is.

 

 

In the middle pic you can see that I definitely still have some lower poochage. Eh, what can you do. It will go eventually. This is also my first visible ab picture. I am so excited! There is still work to be done, but it is something. Something that I have worked HARD for. And I am proud.

 

I also want you to know that I am satisfied. I will continue to workout and eat well because I like the way I feel. This is who I am now and I have no reason to go back. No reason to stop. I am going to continue to set new goals and work on progressing in my fitness but if my body never changes from here, I really don't care. I have come so far and worked so hard to be where I am. I am at a healthy size, weight, BMI and I am HAPPY!

 

And here is my most recent picture. This is from yesterday, 9/4/13. I am currently at 132 lbs and a size 7 (sometimes a 9.) I will check my % of body fat tonight and add it in here tomorrow. I have been doing Kickboxing/ Boxing on Monday, Wednesday and Friday and Insanity on Tuesday, Thursday and sometimes Saturday.

 

 

Please continue checking back. I plan on keeping this up to date with my journey as well as sharing recipes, meal plans, inspiration, motivation and my personal tribulations.  

Now What?

Since I reached my 40 lb goal so early on I wasn't quite sure what I was going to do next. Setting goals is pertinent to success, so I needed a new goal. Of course there was the wedding gown but that came with the 40 lbs I had already lost. Hmmmm... That's it! My new goal is to wear a bikini on our honeymoon in Hawaii! So now I had to figure out the steps I needed to take to get a "bikini body."

As you get into fitness people will tell you, over and over again, the importance of building muscle. The more muscle you have the more calories your body burns naturally. So I borrowed P90X from a friend and incorporated it into my workouts. I did not follow the P90X program verbatim but was doing it 3-4 days per week to incorporate more strength training into my regimen. I did P90X and/or Turbo Fire 6 days per week.

I continued losing weight but also started building muscle and could see some muscle definition. Now that is pretty exciting. I got to the point where I started flexing every time I saw my own reflection. (I'm not gonna lie, I still do.)

When the time came for the final fitting for my wedding dress I was down 55 lbs. 55 lbs!!!! In 11 months. And I was into a size 9. I went in for my fitting only to find out that I had lost too much weight for a conventional alteration. They were a little stressed. The bust this, the decoration that. Blah, blah. They're lucky I am easy to please. I told them to just cut it up the side seems, take it in and call it done. They were relieved and my gown was beautiful! And on my wedding day everything was perfect and everybody oohed and aaahed over the beautiful, newly fit bride. It was wonderful.

 

I must admit to you: I did not traipse around Hawaii in a bikini. I chickened out. I also didn't work out much or watch what I was eating from about the week before the wedding until after our honeymoon (about 3 weeks total.) Ok, I watched it. Watched it leave my plate towards my mouth! Lol! Hey, I was in Hawaii. I was so not worried about anything other than enjoying life. Food and cocktails included. There was a price, of course. The price was about 5 lbs and feeling like crap once it was all said and done. So when the honeymoon was over it was time to get back on track.

Do. Not. Quit.

The moment you are ready to quit is usually the moment right before the miracle happens. Don't give up!

 

So as I sit on the bathroom floor crying, glaring at the scale, I'm telling myself, "I will not quit, this is not the end of my journey, I will not quit." I have quit too many times before only to say to myself a year later, "If I would have just kept going I would be there now." Not this time. A year from now I will be saying, "I freakin' did it!" Mark my words.

 

I suppose I better figure out what I'm doing wrong. *I'm eating well and exercising on schedule, so what's the problem? Maybe this workout isn't hard enough. Maybe I'm not eating as well as I think I am. I do 2 things: First, I order Turbo Fire. It's Chalene Johnson, the same gal as Turbo Jam, who I'm familiar with and I know her programs work. This program is a bit more intense, however. I also got a food journal and started logging what I was eating and counting calories. Turns out I *wasn't eating enough calories. Let me tell you, increasing the amount of calories that you're eating is quite the daunting task. Isn't that against everything you've ever heard about losing weight? Yes, but that's because you've been listening to the wrong sources....

 

 So I increased my calories (*in a healthy way, of course) and continued doing Turbo Jam while I waited for Turbo Fire to arrive. Then something insanely amazing happened. Seemingly overnight I just started melting. I woke up one morning and none of my clothes fit me. Whoa. Yessss!!! Praise the sweet baby Jesus!!! All of a sudden I was dropping weight so quickly that I had to buy new clothes every week. Do you know what this feels like?! Well let me tell you: It feels like sweet victory. It is the most amazing feeling in the world! I am absolutely overwhelmed with elation.

By October 2011 and about 1 month into Turbo Fire I was down 35 lbs!!! That's 35 lbs in 2 months! Ok, it didn't really happen in 2 months, but that's when the fat started noticeably melting away. Here's a July to October comparison for ya.... =D 

 

I am SO GLAD I didn't quit on that sad day in August! So the saying is true, "The moment when you are ready to quit is usually the moment right before the miracle happens."

 

I started Turbo Fire in September and followed the plan like it's outlined. I followed the calendar and the meal plan. By the end of November I was down 45 lbs. That means I surpassed the goal I had set for myself 3 months early. That's me: an overachiever. ;)

 

 

 

*More on this later.

Ready to Take On "Fat Maggie"

After a lifetime of being controlled by "Fat Maggie", I knew it was time to let my inner fit girl take control. I knew it wouldn't be easy for her to break through, but I knew she could, and would, do it. It did not happen right away, though. This I can promise you.

I have been at this starting line so many times before in my life but NEVER with this much resolve. I just KNEW that this was it. Now is the time. This is happening. The good news is, since I have been here before, I knew what would not work. I did not go look for a pill or special diet. I did what worked for me in the past. I pulled out my Turbo Jam package and sat and read through all of the books. Multiple times. I tried to absorb as much info as possible. Then I was ready to get started. On Monday, of course. Always on Monday.....

So while I waited for Monday I started planning. I decided I was going to approach this from a completely different angle this time around. My first step was to set attainable goals. My ultimate goal was to lose 40 lbs by February 2012 (this was June 2011). This is a completely attainable goal. That's about 1.5 lbs per week, which is a very healthy rate for weight loss. My next goal was to keep a good attitude through the process. This part is MUCH harder than the weight loss itself. I can honestly say I struggled quite a bit with this and still do to this day, at times.

I also had to figure out how I was going to feed the 2 of us while sticking to a budget and not making my husband "suffer." I was able to figure out the first part fairly easily. First of all, I followed the TJ food guide, so all I had to do was shop and cook. I didn't have to figure out any recipes or anything. The problem that I ran into the first time around was that I was trying to do something different for every meal and snack. That's 25 different recipes JUST for the work week. Let me tell you, it was VERY expensive and VERY wasteful. So what I started doing was picking 1 thing for breakfast through afternoon snack (breakfast, snack, lunch, snack) and stuck with it for the week. (i.e. If I chose eggs and fruit for breakfast, that was breakfast everyday for the week.) This was very helpful. It helped cut my costs and waste way down. It also made prep for the week MUCH easier. Then I would vary dinner. (I must tell you that the way I eat now has evolved tremendously since I started over 2 years ago.) For dinner I adopted a routine. "2 new, 1 frozen, 1 leftover." I'd make something that made good leftovers on Monday, like a meatless, veggie spaghetti. Tuesday was frozen, Wednesday was new, Thursday was Mondays leftovers and Friday was usually a cheat. Pizza, Sushi, etc. The weekends were a tad on the dangerous side. If I wasn't very careful I would find myself mindlessly munching. This is really bad REGARDLESS of what you're munching. There is a saying, "If you fail to plan, you're planning to fail." This is too true. Remember it. Live by it.

This brings us to "keeping everybody happy with the new lifestyle." Ugh. This part was not easy. My husband was not exactly happy about what we were eating. This would lead to him bringing home fast food and, in turn, some major lows for me. Oh, the lows. Even with my new found determination and resolve I still had some seriously low lows. It's important for everyone to know this. As he would sit and eat his burger and fries, I would stare death rays through his insensitive heart. How could he?! Does he not realize what he is doing? You can't sit there and eat FRENCH FRIES in front of me!!!!! Fat Maggie's Kryptonite. The be all end all of food. Glorious, golden brown, perfectly greasy, salty, crispy french fries. Oh for the love of all that's Holy. I can't do this. I quit. Give me your fries now you heartless SOB!!!! No. Tell that bitch to shut up. We will not crack. It will be ok. He will be done soon and that sweet, sweet aroma will be gone. It's nothing we can't handle. Ooooohm..... Breathe. This happened quite a few times. The first few were met with a flood of emotion. I have yelled. I have sobbed. I have thrown and broken things. This isn't something that I'm proud of but it was part of my process. It got easier with time.

I was also working out regularly. I just did what was on the TJ schedule. I was so determined for this to work I just chugged along, no matter what. Don't feel good? Tough. Tired? Too bad. Feeling overwhelmed and sorry for yourself? Suck it up! Working out was not optional. It was mandatory. I will not tell you that I always liked it. In fact there were times that I hated it. I have even cried through an entire workout because I hated it so much. Not the workout specifically, I LOVE Turbo Jam, just the fact that I HAD to workout at all. But I got it done. And as good as I was starting to feel, I was still filled with pain and self hatred. Here we are, 2 months in, and I'm wondering, "When do I start loving myself? When do I start seeing a difference?" I should also mention, at 2 months in, I had not dropped a single pound. Whaaaat? Why???? And so I cried....

Enough's enough.

On December 24, 2010 my super wonderful husband proposed. He's hung in there with me through my craziness and now he wants to marry me? Like, stuck with me forever? Sweet!!! I said yes, of course.

So obviously we had to get engagement photos done. We did that in May of 2011. Our photographer, Lisa Chasse, was amazing and we got a lot of good photos out of the shoot. You know what else I got? A reality check. Yeah, I had been delusional, evidently. I knew I was overweight, I just didn't realize HOW overweight. Until I saw this picture.....

I cannot begin to express the devastation I felt when I saw this picture. Is that really me? When did I get THAT big? How did this happen? How am I going to look beautiful in a wedding gown? Why does he even want to marry me? And I cried. A lot. And I thought about all the reasons why I hated myself and why I was worthless. And I cried some more and probably ate some french fries and pizza covered in Ranch dressing, followed by ice cream or brownies, while I cried. Then I probably cried for eating all that crap. It's a vicious cycle, really. Ultimately, however, this picture changed my life. Once I got over wallowing in my own self hatred, I decided to make some changes. I became determined to conquer my fat girl. She WOULD NOT win. She would not take me out like this. I AM capable of changing this. I am strong enough to turn this around. It's not too late. So I got to work....

 

 

Yoyo-ing

Ah, yoyo-ing. I think we can all relate to this. With so many fad diets and quick fixes out there I think we've probably all fallen victim at least a couple times.

My first go round was with Herba Lite when I was 16 or 17. The "magic pill" that would suppress your appetite. I swear it made me act like a bitchy tweaker. I remember my mom saying, "Yeah, you may get skinny, but who's gonna want to be around you?" Good question. Yes it worked. For a minute. I think I took, like, 2 bottles of it. I may have lost 10 or so lbs. And of course it came back right away, as soon as I started eating again.

My next "magic pill" was Lipodrene. Can you say 'anal leakage?' I didn't even make it through 1 bottle. Who wants those side effects?!

Then I did the "Grapefruit Diet." This actually would have worked 'ok' had I used it as a jump start and continued to eat healthy past the 10 or 14 days, or whatever it is. It's pretty simple. 2 eggs, 2 pieces of bacon and a grapefruit or grapefruit juice for breakfast. Meat, salad and a grapefruit or grapefruit juice for lunch. Repeat Lunch for Dinner. "10 lbs and 10 inches in 10 days", or something to that extent. It did work. But then what next? Back to your old ways. Back to your old weight. Plus some.

In my early 20's I "tried" to do it right. Diet and Exercise. I busted out my Denise Austin, Fat Blasting Yoga and started dieting. Ah, herein lies the problem. "Diet." The word diet gives a negative, temporary connotation. People need to realize, before they even start, that you don't need to go on a "diet." You need to change your Diet. The way you eat. What you eat. FOREVER. Not temporarily. Also, as much as I like Denise Austin, Fat Blasting Yoga did not make me sweat, and in turn, did not "Blast Fat." I may have lost a couple pounds but not enough to satisfy my need for instant gratification to keep me going. So I quit. And gained more weight again.

Now we're at the point where my weight was out of control. I'm 5'3" and was weighing in at 198 lbs.  I was desperate. And determined. I REFUSED to hit 200 lbs. I bought Turbo Jam after seeing the infomercial. I followed the eating guide to a T and even did the 10 Day Jump Start, which claims that you "could" lose UP TO 10lbs and 10in in 10 days. I was skeptical, but I did it. And it worked!! I lost 14 lbs in my first 10 days. Now THAT'S the kind of quick start that'll keep you going. And I did. I followed the program and lost 40lbs in 8 weeks. Holy Crap!!! So what happened? I started playing Roller Derby and decided that was enough exercise. My body is already used to losing weight so skating 3 nights a week for 1 hour should be plenty. Eeeert! Wrong answer. Not only was I not working out enough, I also stopped eating well again. Then when I quit skating, I just didn't do anything. I gained about 30 lbs back. Damn. Success was so close I could taste it and I let it slip away. Again. Ah, well. Guess I'm meant to be hefty.

Insecurity Induced Anger

Have you ever been so insecure that you could be set off by the lamest things? I don't mean moody, I mean fits of rage crazy because something reminds you how much you hate who you are. What you look like. What you think people see when they look at you. How you feel. Yeah, I used to be that girl.

 In my early 20's I was so full of insecurity that I was driving myself mad. I had so much anxiety over my appearance that I missed out on a lot of social opportunities. I didn't want to subject myself (or my boyfriend) to any female whom I considered to be smaller and/ or prettier than me. I would avoid certain types of parties or gatherings based on whether or not chicks may potentially be clad in revealing apparel. I just truly couldn't handle it. When I did end up in these situations, my automatic reaction would be anger toward my boyfriend. So not cool. I didn't want to be that way, I just couldn't help it. Which just made the self loathing even worse.

I knew I had to do something but I didn't know what to do or how to do it. This self hatred continued for years.

Why I'm Here....

So I'm here to share with you my story of heartache and triumph, failure and success, sorrow and sheer giddiness. I'm here to tell you about my transformation. This is very much about weight loss and getting fit but it is also about so much more. It is about courage, strength, and growth. It is about will power and determination. It is all about changing my life, inside and out. I am going to tell you my whole story, but not now. You'll have to read on for that. I hope that I am able to inspire, motivate, and educate many others along the way. Ready? S'go!