Friday, July 26, 2013

Do. Not. Quit.

The moment you are ready to quit is usually the moment right before the miracle happens. Don't give up!

 
So as I sit on the bathroom floor crying, glaring at the scale, I'm telling myself, "I will not quit, this is not the end of my journey, I will not quit." I have quit too many times before only to say to myself a year later, "If I would have just kept going I would be there now." Not this time. A year from now I will be saying, "I freakin' did it!" Mark my words.
 
I suppose I better figure out what I'm doing wrong. *I'm eating well and exercising on schedule, so what's the problem? Maybe this workout isn't hard enough. Maybe I'm not eating as well as I think I am. I do 2 things: First, I order Turbo Fire. It's Chalene Johnson, the same gal as Turbo Jam, who I'm familiar with and I know her programs work. This program is a bit more intense, however. I also got a food journal and started logging what I was eating and counting calories. Turns out I *wasn't eating enough calories. Let me tell you, increasing the amount of calories that you're eating is quite the daunting task. Isn't that against everything you've ever heard about losing weight? Yes, but that's because you've been listening to the wrong sources....
 
 So I increased my calories (*in a healthy way, of course) and continued doing Turbo Jam while I waited for Turbo Fire to arrive. Then something insanely amazing happened. Seemingly overnight I just started melting. I woke up one morning and none of my clothes fit me. Whoa. Yessss!!! Praise the sweet baby Jesus!!! All of a sudden I was dropping weight so quickly that I had to buy new clothes every week. Do you know what this feels like?! Well let me tell you: It feels like sweet victory. It is the most amazing feeling in the world! I am absolutely overwhelmed with elation.

By October 2011 and about 1 month into Turbo Fire I was down 35 lbs!!! That's 35 lbs in 2 months! Ok, it didn't really happen in 2 months, but that's when the fat started noticeably melting away. Here's a July to October comparison for ya.... =D 

 
I am SO GLAD I didn't quit on that sad day in August! So the saying is true, "The moment when you are ready to quit is usually the moment right before the miracle happens."
 
I started Turbo Fire in September and followed the plan like it's outlined. I followed the calendar and the meal plan. By the end of November I was down 45 lbs. That means I surpassed the goal I had set for myself 3 months early. That's me: an overachiever. ;)
 
 
 
*More on this later.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Ready to Take On "Fat Maggie"

After a lifetime of being controlled by "Fat Maggie", I knew it was time to let my inner fit girl take control. I knew it wouldn't be easy for her to break through, but I knew she could, and would, do it. It did not happen right away, though. This I can promise you.

I have been at this starting line so many times before in my life but NEVER with this much resolve. I just KNEW that this was it. Now is the time. This is happening. The good news is, since I have been here before, I knew what would not work. I did not go look for a pill or special diet. I did what worked for me in the past. I pulled out my Turbo Jam package and sat and read through all of the books. Multiple times. I tried to absorb as much info as possible. Then I was ready to get started. On Monday, of course. Always on Monday.....

So while I waited for Monday I started planning. I decided I was going to approach this from a completely different angle this time around. My first step was to set attainable goals. My ultimate goal was to lose 40 lbs by February 2012 (this was June 2011). This is a completely attainable goal. That's about 1.5 lbs per week, which is a very healthy rate for weight loss. My next goal was to keep a good attitude through the process. This part is MUCH harder than the weight loss itself. I can honestly say I struggled quite a bit with this and still do to this day, at times.

I also had to figure out how I was going to feed the 2 of us while sticking to a budget and not making my husband "suffer." I was able to figure out the first part fairly easily. First of all, I followed the TJ food guide, so all I had to do was shop and cook. I didn't have to figure out any recipes or anything. The problem that I ran into the first time around was that I was trying to do something different for every meal and snack. That's 25 different recipes JUST for the work week. Let me tell you, it was VERY expensive and VERY wasteful. So what I started doing was picking 1 thing for breakfast through afternoon snack (breakfast, snack, lunch, snack) and stuck with it for the week. (i.e. If I chose eggs and fruit for breakfast, that was breakfast everyday for the week.) This was very helpful. It helped cut my costs and waste way down. It also made prep for the week MUCH easier. Then I would vary dinner. (I must tell you that the way I eat now has evolved tremendously since I started over 2 years ago.) For dinner I adopted a routine. "2 new, 1 frozen, 1 leftover." I'd make something that made good leftovers on Monday, like a meatless, veggie spaghetti. Tuesday was frozen, Wednesday was new, Thursday was Mondays leftovers and Friday was usually a cheat. Pizza, Sushi, etc. The weekends were a tad on the dangerous side. If I wasn't very careful I would find myself mindlessly munching. This is really bad REGARDLESS of what you're munching. There is a saying, "If you fail to plan, you're planning to fail." This is too true. Remember it. Live by it.

This brings us to "keeping everybody happy with the new lifestyle." Ugh. This part was not easy. My husband was not exactly happy about what we were eating. This would lead to him bringing home fast food and, in turn, some major lows for me. Oh, the lows. Even with my new found determination and resolve I still had some seriously low lows. It's important for everyone to know this. As he would sit and eat his burger and fries, I would stare death rays through his insensitive heart. How could he?! Does he not realize what he is doing? You can't sit there and eat FRENCH FRIES in front of me!!!!! Fat Maggie's Kryptonite. The be all end all of food. Glorious, golden brown, perfectly greasy, salty, crispy french fries. Oh for the love of all that's Holy. I can't do this. I quit. Give me your fries now you heartless SOB!!!! No. Tell that bitch to shut up. We will not crack. It will be ok. He will be done soon and that sweet, sweet aroma will be gone. It's nothing we can't handle. Ooooohm..... Breathe. This happened quite a few times. The first few were met with a flood of emotion. I have yelled. I have sobbed. I have thrown and broken things. This isn't something that I'm proud of but it was part of my process. It got easier with time.

I was also working out regularly. I just did what was on the TJ schedule. I was so determined for this to work I just chugged along, no matter what. Don't feel good? Tough. Tired? Too bad. Feeling overwhelmed and sorry for yourself? Suck it up! Working out was not optional. It was mandatory. I will not tell you that I always liked it. In fact there were times that I hated it. I have even cried through an entire workout because I hated it so much. Not the workout specifically, I LOVE Turbo Jam, just the fact that I HAD to workout at all. But I got it done. And as good as I was starting to feel, I was still filled with pain and self hatred. Here we are, 2 months in, and I'm wondering, "When do I start loving myself? When do I start seeing a difference?" I should also mention, at 2 months in, I had not dropped a single pound. Whaaaat? Why???? And so I cried....

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Enough's enough.

On December 24, 2010 my super wonderful husband proposed. He's hung in there with me through my craziness and now he wants to marry me? Like, stuck with me forever? Sweet!!! I said yes, of course.

So obviously we had to get engagement photos done. We did that in May of 2011. Our photographer, Lisa Chasse, was amazing and we got a lot of good photos out of the shoot. You know what else I got? A reality check. Yeah, I had been delusional, evidently. I knew I was overweight, I just didn't realize HOW overweight. Until I saw this picture.....


I cannot begin to express the devastation I felt when I saw this picture. Is that really me? When did I get THAT big? How did this happen? How am I going to look beautiful in a wedding gown? Why does he even want to marry me? And I cried. A lot. And I thought about all the reasons why I hated myself and why I was worthless. And I cried some more and probably ate some french fries and pizza covered in Ranch dressing, followed by ice cream or brownies, while I cried. Then I probably cried for eating all that crap. It's a vicious cycle, really. Ultimately, however, this picture changed my life. Once I got over wallowing in my own self hatred, I decided to make some changes. I became determined to conquer my fat girl. She WOULD NOT win. She would not take me out like this. I AM capable of changing this. I am strong enough to turn this around. It's not too late. So I got to work....
 
 

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Yoyo-ing

Ah, yoyo-ing. I think we can all relate to this. With so many fad diets and quick fixes out there I think we've probably all fallen victim at least a couple times.

My first go round was with Herba Lite when I was 16 or 17. The "magic pill" that would suppress your appetite. I swear it made me act like a bitchy tweaker. I remember my mom saying, "Yeah, you may get skinny, but who's gonna want to be around you?" Good question. Yes it worked. For a minute. I think I took, like, 2 bottles of it. I may have lost 10 or so lbs. And of course it came back right away, as soon as I started eating again.

My next "magic pill" was Lipodrene. Can you say 'anal leakage?' I didn't even make it through 1 bottle. Who wants those side effects?!

Then I did the "Grapefruit Diet." This actually would have worked 'ok' had I used it as a jump start and continued to eat healthy past the 10 or 14 days, or whatever it is. It's pretty simple. 2 eggs, 2 pieces of bacon and a grapefruit or grapefruit juice for breakfast. Meat, salad and a grapefruit or grapefruit juice for lunch. Repeat Lunch for Dinner. "10 lbs and 10 inches in 10 days", or something to that extent. It did work. But then what next? Back to your old ways. Back to your old weight. Plus some.

In my early 20's I "tried" to do it right. Diet and Exercise. I busted out my Denise Austin, Fat Blasting Yoga and started dieting. Ah, herein lies the problem. "Diet." The word diet gives a negative, temporary connotation. People need to realize, before they even start, that you don't need to go on a "diet." You need to change your Diet. The way you eat. What you eat. FOREVER. Not temporarily. Also, as much as I like Denise Austin, Fat Blasting Yoga did not make me sweat, and in turn, did not "Blast Fat." I may have lost a couple pounds but not enough to satisfy my need for instant gratification to keep me going. So I quit. And gained more weight again.

Now we're at the point where my weight was out of control. I'm 5'3" and was weighing in at 198 lbs.  I was desperate. And determined. I REFUSED to hit 200 lbs. I bought Turbo Jam after seeing the infomercial. I followed the eating guide to a T and even did the 10 Day Jump Start, which claims that you "could" lose UP TO 10lbs and 10in in 10 days. I was skeptical, but I did it. And it worked!! I lost 14 lbs in my first 10 days. Now THAT'S the kind of quick start that'll keep you going. And I did. I followed the program and lost 40lbs in 8 weeks. Holy Crap!!! So what happened? I started playing Roller Derby and decided that was enough exercise. My body is already used to losing weight so skating 3 nights a week for 1 hour should be plenty. Eeeert! Wrong answer. Not only was I not working out enough, I also stopped eating well again. Then when I quit skating, I just didn't do anything. I gained about 30 lbs back. Damn. Success was so close I could taste it and I let it slip away. Again. Ah, well. Guess I'm meant to be hefty.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Insecurity Induced Anger

Have you ever been so insecure that you could be set off by the lamest things? I don't mean moody, I mean fits of rage crazy because something reminds you how much you hate who you are. What you look like. What you think people see when they look at you. How you feel. Yeah, I used to be that girl.

 In my early 20's I was so full of insecurity that I was driving myself mad. I had so much anxiety over my appearance that I missed out on a lot of social opportunities. I didn't want to subject myself (or my boyfriend) to any female whom I considered to be smaller and/ or prettier than me. I would avoid certain types of parties or gatherings based on whether or not chicks may potentially be clad in revealing apparel. I just truly couldn't handle it. When I did end up in these situations, my automatic reaction would be anger toward my boyfriend. So not cool. I didn't want to be that way, I just couldn't help it. Which just made the self loathing even worse.

I knew I had to do something but I didn't know what to do or how to do it. This self hatred continued for years.

Monday, July 15, 2013

Why I'm Here....

So I'm here to share with you my story of heartache and triumph, failure and success, sorrow and sheer giddiness. I'm here to tell you about my transformation. This is very much about weight loss and getting fit but it is also about so much more. It is about courage, strength, and growth. It is about will power and determination. It is all about changing my life, inside and out. I am going to tell you my whole story, but not now. You'll have to read on for that. I hope that I am able to inspire, motivate, and educate many others along the way. Ready? S'go!